What Did You Expect?

At our introductory marriage mentoring/accountability group a couple of weeks ago, we asked the group to think about their family of origin and how it shaped their view of marriage. We got some pretty interesting responses, but all of the comments told the same story - we probably had some unreal expectations of marriage after watching our parents.

Before I (Rusty) get too far into this, almost every member of our group sang the praises of their parents. In fact, most of our group (me being at the top of the list) would probably enter our parents in the "Greatest Parents of All Time" contest. (By the way, my parents would win that contest.) However, these are some of the comments the group listed about the marriage that they learned from everyday growing up:

- Their marriage was private
- There was little affection shown to each other around the kids
- Did they really even like each other?
- They were full-time Mom and Dad, and not really husband and wife
- They rarely, if ever, argued in front of the kids
- There seemed to be lots of secrets kept from the kids

For the most part, all of the individuals in our group felt like the husband and wife part of their parents' relationship was very private. I know what you are thinking...there are some things in marriage that should remain private. You are absolutely correct! BUT, we probably aren't teaching our children the truth about marriage when we aren't real in front of them. The way I see it, we put our masks on at home in front of kids first, and then we wear the same masks outside for the rest of the world to see. Heck, those same masks are usually worn in front of our spouses too.

So, it all comes down to being real...something that we failed to do in our marriage for much of the first 15 years. It starts with being real to each other, then to your children, and then to the rest of the world. I think it is important to show our kids the good AND bad of marriage, while still purposefully protecting them from certain things to an extent. If they don't see the truth about marriage from us, how can we hope that they will enter their marriage without unreal expectations?

How about a few practical examples of how we can teach our kids about marriage right in front of their eyes each day...

• Don't be afraid to disagree in front of your children. While they probably don't need to witness World War III from you, they do need to see you "fight fair" and how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner.
• Don't hold back affection from each other when the kids are around. Kiss, hug, and maybe even give a playful pat on the rear when they are looking. I have heard that kids need to know that their parents love each other more than they need to know that their parents love them.
• Make couple time a priority, and let your children know what you are doing. It is very healthy to share with your kids that the babysitter is coming over so that Mommy and Daddy can go on a date together.
• Involve the children in some of the more difficult parts of marriage...like money! Things like the budget don't have to be a secret. Remember, they are learning about ALL aspects of marriage from YOU!

Your marriage may not be what you expected, but what are your kids (or the rest of the world, for that matter) expecting from their marriage after watching you?

Rusty and Heather