What do I do when my spouse builds a wall?
You may not know it, but you and your spouse build walls between each other all of the time. Any time safety is threatened in a relationship, a wall is built. Walls are built in different sizes, and with different stability, but all walls are built in an attempt to regain safety.
When Heather confessed unfaithfulness to me (in 2011), I (Rusty) immediately built a HUGE wall between the two of us. The wall was built because trust was broken. Safety in our marriage was gone. So, a wall of protection went up. The wall was so big and so strong, because the offense and the pain were so great. Honestly, there are still pieces of the wall still there. Not much, but they are still there. A better word picture is probably that the wall was so big that even when it began crumbling down, it left a massive pile of rubble between us. Over time, we have begun clearing away that mess.
But walls are not just built when infidelity occurs. The tools to build that wall can be pulled out for almost anything: minor arguments, jealousy, laziness, resentment, lack of passion, unkind words, etc. You name it, and a wall can be built because of it. So, what do you do when your spouse builds a wall? Here are 4 reactions that normally take place when your spouse builds a wall, and the results of those responses:
1. Attempt to knock it down - Just like the days of old, if a fortified city had its walls knocked down by the enemy, the city would always build it back bigger and stronger. Your spouse can rebuild a wall much quicker than you can knock it down, so don't even try it!
2. Walk away - Sometimes the offending spouse just gives up and walks away. Walls don't come down for no reason. If you aren't on the other side waiting, the wall will stay up forever.
3. Lay at the foot of the wall and beg - This is an easy trap to fall into. "Please forgive me. Don't you see how much I've changed. Please tear down the wall between us." Apologies are welcome, but groveling in self-pity will not bring the wall down. In fact, the wall may go up even higher in hopes of drowning out the sounds from the other side!
4. Build a garden on the other side - When a wall is erected by your spouse, there is a good chance that your heart needs some work to begin to repair whatever caused the safety issue. This is your opportunity to seek God and allow him to search your heart. As you care for yourself, you will begin to build a nice garden on your side of the wall. The garden is an attraction for your spouse, and something that will cause him or her to begin moving bricks from the wall to catch a glimpse of. Don't flaunt your garden, just willingly offer your spouse the opportunity to enjoy what God is doing in your life, while finding ways to assure him or her that you can create a safe environment again.
After my wall went up, Heather did everything she could to get the wall to come down. In desperation, she tried the first 3 responses in vain. The bottom line is that the first 3 do not honor the wall, and the offending spouse MUST honor the wall. Over time, Heather realized that none of those responses were working, so she began to build herself a garden. (Since August 2011) she has established a very nice garden...one that I am now enjoying the fruits of.
Rusty and Heather
When Heather confessed unfaithfulness to me (in 2011), I (Rusty) immediately built a HUGE wall between the two of us. The wall was built because trust was broken. Safety in our marriage was gone. So, a wall of protection went up. The wall was so big and so strong, because the offense and the pain were so great. Honestly, there are still pieces of the wall still there. Not much, but they are still there. A better word picture is probably that the wall was so big that even when it began crumbling down, it left a massive pile of rubble between us. Over time, we have begun clearing away that mess.
But walls are not just built when infidelity occurs. The tools to build that wall can be pulled out for almost anything: minor arguments, jealousy, laziness, resentment, lack of passion, unkind words, etc. You name it, and a wall can be built because of it. So, what do you do when your spouse builds a wall? Here are 4 reactions that normally take place when your spouse builds a wall, and the results of those responses:
1. Attempt to knock it down - Just like the days of old, if a fortified city had its walls knocked down by the enemy, the city would always build it back bigger and stronger. Your spouse can rebuild a wall much quicker than you can knock it down, so don't even try it!
2. Walk away - Sometimes the offending spouse just gives up and walks away. Walls don't come down for no reason. If you aren't on the other side waiting, the wall will stay up forever.
3. Lay at the foot of the wall and beg - This is an easy trap to fall into. "Please forgive me. Don't you see how much I've changed. Please tear down the wall between us." Apologies are welcome, but groveling in self-pity will not bring the wall down. In fact, the wall may go up even higher in hopes of drowning out the sounds from the other side!
4. Build a garden on the other side - When a wall is erected by your spouse, there is a good chance that your heart needs some work to begin to repair whatever caused the safety issue. This is your opportunity to seek God and allow him to search your heart. As you care for yourself, you will begin to build a nice garden on your side of the wall. The garden is an attraction for your spouse, and something that will cause him or her to begin moving bricks from the wall to catch a glimpse of. Don't flaunt your garden, just willingly offer your spouse the opportunity to enjoy what God is doing in your life, while finding ways to assure him or her that you can create a safe environment again.
After my wall went up, Heather did everything she could to get the wall to come down. In desperation, she tried the first 3 responses in vain. The bottom line is that the first 3 do not honor the wall, and the offending spouse MUST honor the wall. Over time, Heather realized that none of those responses were working, so she began to build herself a garden. (Since August 2011) she has established a very nice garden...one that I am now enjoying the fruits of.
Rusty and Heather
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